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Butt ToysI want to put stuff up my butt
Because it will feel good
I want to put stuff up my butt
I don't know if I should

Here's a thing I found right here!
Should I put it up my rear?
It is long and thin, filled with vitamin B
Carrots are so good for me!

No! Do not put a carrot up your butt
It might get lost in there!
Do not put a carrot up your butt
No produce in your derriere

Here's a thing that has a string!
And a handle for extra zing!
This can not get lost you see
Because I can pull it out of me

No! Do not put a jump rope up your butt.
Strings have places for germs to hide.
Do not put a jump rope up your butt.
Only non-porous things should go inside!

Well what is this? A toy you say?
Non-porous, smooth, made for anal play?
No pointy parts that will make me tear
And a flared base so it won't get lost up there

Yes!  Put that sex toy up your butt!
Push it in slowly giving time to adjust.
Put that sex toy up your butt!
If it hits your prostate, that's a plus!

Ouchie! Ouch! This is not good
This will not go in like it should
It pulls and pulls, I feel it pinch
It will not go inside, no not one inch!

Wait, I know just what to do
Cover the toy with shampoo!
That will make it slip and slide
and it will pop right on inside

No! Do not put shampoo in your butt!
Although it may be tempting
shampoo isn't anal friendly.
The rectum is a delicate thing

Oh, what is this inside this tube?
"Water-based personal lube"?
"Glycerine and Paraben free"?
This sounds like just the thing that's right for me!

Yes! I love this toy up in my butt!
It went in easy now that it's slick
I love this toy inside my butt!
It feels so good, I'm cumming quick!

Write the Author: Laura Rad

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This is creative, informative and hysterically funny! Thanks, Laura Rad, from an anal enthusiast.

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Kidder Kaper

Kidder has been theorizing and writing about human sexuality since 1993, when he began work on his primary goal: "Teaching the world to be unafraid to enjoy sex."


Laura Rad

Laura Rad has been educating herself and others about sexuality for over seven years. You can find Laura every week chatting with the crew of the Sex is Fun Podcast.


Gay Rick

Gay Rick is an HIV Educator and Co-Host on the Sex is Fun podcast. He is also a certified Hepatitis C Educator.



The in-house audio engineer.


John Stark

John writes a blog titled We Sleep Together. He is in his twenties, and has been in an open relationship for six and some years.



The Walrus is an avid SIF listener, married, and recently became a proud father. He spends his days working in IT, but has always been interested in pushing the boundaries of traditional and conservative thoughts sexually.


Cooper Beckett

Cooper Beckett's life isn't like other people's. When he's not writing or podcasting at Life on the Swingset, he's living it up with his wife Marilyn as evangelical swingers, spreading the good word that "sharing is caring."


Beth Swings

Beth is an English rose, happily married and happily swinging in the UK and abroad. She has a full-time vanilla career which she loves. Beth counts sex and naturism among her many extra-curricular passions in life.


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Mari Rose and her family live in Colorado, love life and do their best to maintain balance and sanity and in this crazy, sexy, beautiful world.



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